Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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