My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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