the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
