her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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