you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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