Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
