I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
accomplished twins. life is a go
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
