I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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