I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
