dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
