i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
