Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
