I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
