It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
