call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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