i may or may not be watching the land before time
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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