i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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