his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
She needs sedatives and a leash
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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