my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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