FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
