Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
