Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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