I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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