I need to stop coming to work sober
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
