Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
did i walk over a car last night?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Well I just put wine in my tea
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize