tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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