have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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