my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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