If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
