You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
