fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
