I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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