Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
