he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
