I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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