thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
