forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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