I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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