I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
