I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
