My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
