I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
