I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
