I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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