need another drink. this is the easiest way
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
