Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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