Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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