you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
