Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize