There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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