sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
how drunk are you?
Several
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
