the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
