I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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