Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
