You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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