i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
