I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
