We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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