how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
