i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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