I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
