maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
