she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
