i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
